A Message in a Bottle

Dear You,

You’ve become a part of my world. The butterflies that have plagued me make that undeniable. And I know that I’m not a part of your life yet, but promise me you’ll give me a chance. I’m not asking for forever and always. Just for the now. Don’t think, just run the risk, take a chance. Meet me for coffee, get to know me.

Love Always.

“…Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain…” - Taylor Swift

Dear You,

I’m not angry. Just hurt and disappointed. I promised to keep so many secrets of yours tonight. The one thing I asked you to keep quiet about you couldn’t. You know now how wonderful of a guy he is, and you showed me that. But now what? You had to tell her, and we’re not going to be able to get out of the house because of it. There was a reason I told you to keep it between us for now. I don’t know why you couldn’t understand. And I really just don’t know what to think right now.

Dear You,

I can’t believe you’re calling him. At his work. And who knows what kind of crazy story you’re going to tell. Quite frankly, it’s been a long time since we hung up and I’m getting concerned. I didn’t think you were going to literally stalk him. I guess it’s safe to say that he’s not going to forget you. Ever. Problem is, I wish he wouldn’t forget me.

Love Always.

Dear You,

I’m hoping that you don’t take the message I’m writing up to send you in the wrong way. I’m not, in any way, trying to say that I’m glad that we weren’t in touch for these past few years, or that I’ve lost faith in the friendship we’ve built. I haven’t. I just feel that maybe being able to grow into different people and finding that everything still feels natural will benefit us more than if we had spent those years trying to be the person who we felt the other person thought we should be. I’ve missed you, and I don’t ever want to lose you again. I hope you know that.

Love Always.

“…It’s been a time but I’m back in town, this time I’m not leaving without you…” - Lady Gaga

Dear You,

I’ve been meaning to write this since last Friday, but I realize I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to explain myself, since I’m not even sure why your death hit me as hard as it did. It might be a stretch to even say we were acquaintances, but I would be lying to say that I’m not still deeply troubled over your passing.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m too compassionate and and un-healthily scared of loss. I can’t help but hurt knowing that so many people lost a friend, a sister, a daughter. And it was so sudden and uncontrollable. Nothing can stop a person from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and nothing could have prevented that car from hitting yours. That, at any given moment, life can be taken like that scares me so severely.

I think what gets me the most is that you died so young. 20 years old, just 3 years older than me. And while it’s true that I really didn’t know you, I looked up to you. You were such a beautiful, high spirited woman. I don’t know what I think about an afterlife; I’ve always figured I’d find out when I got there. For this reason, it’s hard for me to say anything about heaven, God, or angels. But I hope that, wherever you may be, you can now Rest in Peace.

Dear You,

Yes, I’m annoyed. Frustrated. Of course I am. How can you expect me not to be? You just don’t get it. I used to think that, maybe, if I kept things picked up and clean, did my own laundry, took fucking calculus along side my other classes, made captain, handled evening practices with grace and searched for a job while starting college applications, maybe I could prove myself to you. I could show you that I’m responsible, that I do my best to be a good daughter. I have little patience and a short fuse. I’m open about the fact that I have no time to deal with people’s stupidity. You could be just as proud in me as you are in him. But you’re not, and I know that. I have for awhile. But for you to come and accuse me like that, it was a low blow. The fact that you didn’t have the nerve to say it to my face really stung. And I don’t know how to change your opinion of me. Maybe you’re disappointed not in what I do, but who I am. “I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me (-Jareth, Labyrinth)”. And I haven’t even managed to do that. 

Dear You,

Rainer Maria Rilke once said, “Pour dire tout, il faut drait savoir toutes les langues.” To say everything, one would need to know every language.  I don’t know if all the worldly languages could help me express everything I want to say. You once mentioned that I wrote really good messages in cards, but truth is, I’ve never been good at saying things when it really matters. I’ll try anyways.

    I’ve never really considered us to have a typical brother-sister relationship. I’ve never been able to put words to it. Regardless, I can’t imagine it any differently. I guess because it worked. I don’t know where I was going with this. I’ll move on.

    It’s weird for me, to think that, for most of my living memory, you’ve been here and that, when I return from school tomorrow, you’ll be gone. Not gone for good, but gone for now. When I was younger, I thought I would enjoy this moment. I couldn’t wait to have the bathroom all to myself – to decorate it however I wished. Now I realize how much I’ll miss sitting across from you at dinner.

    I’m terribly happy for you, still. And excited. I’m glad to see that you’re happy and that you’re ready to start the next part of your life. You’ll do wonderful things one day, I’m sure of it. And I do believe that you’ll have so much fun. I hope that these next few years help you to continue to grow and discover who you really are and who you want to be.

    I regret I couldn’t tell you this in person. I’m just no good at goodbyes. This letter is hard enough, so I hope it suffices. I’ll miss you a lot. I really will. But I wish you all the best of luck in every one of your endeavors and that this new stage of your life brings with it health, happiness, and maybe even some romance.

    That was cliché. I apologize.

“…We won’t say our goodbyes; you know it’s better that way…”   -OneRepublic

Dear You,

     I’ve though about sending you our old photo-album with an apology for… years now. For a lot of years, I guess. I just never knew what to say. And I was afraid. You were my first real best friend, and I knew I could never hope to ask for that relationship back, especially in one little letter. I knew we would probably never have that back. And I realized that you owed me nothing. But I was so afraid to send a letter, because then there would be the chance that you never wrote back. And if you had moved on more easily than I… I didn’t want to bring up old memories. I didn’t want to hurt you. Or maybe those were the excuses behind my fear and guilt for letting our friendship crumble in my hands.

I was selfish.

     I just want to say that I’m sorry. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to say.
We’re now both approaching Senior year. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I know I’ve been spending a lot of time reminiscing - revisiting the best memories and letting go of some of the less pleasant ones. Even though we’ve gone our separate ways, I still think of our memories as some of the best from my elementary school years. I can’t continue to live my life wondering what would have happened if I were to send you the album. I don’t yet know what I’ll actually write to you, but I know that I will get it in the mail. Soon. At least I’ll know that whatever happens then, it was out of my control.

                              I guess forever isn’t as long as we had imagined.

Love Always

“…Sadly things just happen we can’t explain…” - Imogen Heap

Dear You,

I just wanted to inform you that you have this overwhelmingly annoying tendency to say things that are completely inappropriate to the current situation. If I’m standing in front of you, crying, there is no reason for you to bring up something I mentioned 3 weeks ago. For one, I change my mind by the hour. I don’t mean half of the things I mindlessly mention to you. And usually, whatever indecent that had just occurred is not what is bothering me most. I would have thought that by now you would realize that I let problems and stress fester and build until I break. But I guess you never really did pay much attention to emotions.

I also don’t understand how you pep right back up and forget things so quickly. Quite honestly, it is infuriating, but it takes two to tango. I am all for pretending like we’re good for those around us. But for the record, we’re not good. We’re far from it. I’m just done crying over your shit.

Love Always.

“…I’m gonna Marry The Night, I’m not gonna cry anymore…” - Lady Gaga